By Doc Kennedy

“I am speechless. Speechless. I have no speech.” — George Costanza

What if I told you at 11:30 on Saturday morning that Jacolby Criswell would throw for 475 yards and three touchdowns in only his second career start at UNC; that Omarion Hampton would rush for 139 yards and three touchdowns; that Kobe Paysour would return from injury to lead the Tar Heels in receiving yards; and that Carolina would score 50 points on 616 yards of total offense? You would probably be pretty confident that UNC cruised to a victory in their final non-conference tuneup. And you would be wrong.

Carolina instead put up one of the worst performances in the modern history of the program, losing 70–50 to Group of Five James Madison, almost exactly 10 years to the day of what is considered the Tar Heels’ worst loss ever, a 70–41 embarrassment at the hands of East Carolina in Greenville in 2014.

The 70 points surrendered to the Dukes are the most scored by an opponent at Kenan Stadium and tie the program record set by the Pirates a decade ago. The 53 points given up in the first half are the most points Carolina has ever given up in a half, and the 50 points scored in a loss ties the record for that futility, set in a 68–50 defeat to Georgia Tech in 2012.

When your comps for this game are the ECU debacle and the Georgia Tech rout, that’s not great company. After UNC scored back-to-back touchdowns to take a 14–11 lead in a wild first quarter, JMU went on a 42–7 run that featured a full-blown implosion in all phases of the game, essentially ending the game as the Dukes led 53–21.

There’s really no polishing this lump of coal into anything resembling a diamond, and honestly, it’s hard to find too much to be positive about. With that in mind, this is a special edition of the Good, Bad, and Ugly Report: Ugly, Uglier, and Ugliest:

Ugly

Omarion Hampton

OK, Hampton’s performance was far from ugly, but I have to stick to the bit. Hampton continues to do Hampton things, rushing for 139 yards on 19 carries and three scores, while adding three receptions for 34 more yards. 

Jacolby Criswell

Criswell’s 475 yards passing — the 3rd-highest total in program history, and more than Drake Maye ever threw for — and three touchdowns will be lost in the overall story of the game. Criswell showed the arm strength and accuracy that made him the best passer of UNC’s three QBs in the preseason, but he spent much of the game running for his life and/or with a defender in his face (more on that later). He did throw two interceptions, including a pick-six late in the second quarter that seemed to seal UNC’s fate, and he also had a fumble that gave the Dukes a short field and the final, record-tying touchdown. But Criswell’s play has cemented him as the starter for the rest of the season.

Uglier

Offensive line

It’s hard to find too much to say about an offensive line when the offense gains over 600 yards, but the O-line really seemed to struggle much of the day. After some injuries, the core of the line was back but gave up 11 quarterback hurries and five sacks, plus eight tackles for loss. The Carolina linemen appeared to be frequently confused by the JMU stunts and blitzes, and a couple of times, it seemed the Dukes were in the backfield as Criswell was receiving the snap.

Penalties

While the Tar Heels did improve their absurd penalty total from last week, reducing flags from 16 to 9, four of those penalties gave JMU a first down. It’s also the type of penalties that are frustrating: two roughing the passer calls and an unsportsmanlike conduct on defense, while false starts by receivers and backs are a weekly thing. In other words, most of Carolina’s penalties are a lack of discipline and focus, and not just the calls that happen during a football game.

Turnovers

UNC had five — count ’em, five turnovers in the game. That’s one way to turn a 600-yard offensive effort into a loss. Christian Hamilton fumbled in the red zone on UNC’s opening possession and Criswell threw two interceptions plus had another short field fumble that turned into a JMU score. The red-zone fumble, pick-six and short field TD were likely 21 points in a game UNC lost by 20. The math is not hard.

Ugliest

Special teams

Poor special teams play has haunted the Heels during the Mack Brown 2.0 era, and Saturday was no exception. Carolina had a punt blocked for a touchdown, gave up a two-point conversion while going 1–4 on its two-pointers, and surrendered an onside kick. The only bright spot was Davion Gause returning a blocked punt for a touchdown.

Defensive regression

The defensive regression over the course of the season has been stunning. Against Minnesota, the Tar Heels looked well-coached and well-prepared, and the defense rose to the occasion when the offense sputtered after the injury to Max Johnson. In the three games since, the defense has progressively gotten worse, ending in Saturday’s 611-yard, 70-point fiasco. Carolina was able to hide it against Charlotte and FBS N.C. Central, but UNC made JMU quarterback Alonza Barnett look like a Heisman candidate, giving up almost 500 yards in total offense to just him, as Barnett threw for 388 yards and five touchdowns, while running for 99 yards and two more scores. Carolina had shut down the rushing game of its first three opponents, but allowed the Dukes to run for 223 yards. By the end of the game, UNC seemed to be having problems with the simplest of packages and coverages. 

Big plays

There also remains the issue of the defense allowing big plays. UNC gave up a jaw-dropping 20 — twenty!! — plays of 10 yards or more, and eight plays of 25 yards or more, including 38 yards on the first play of the game, a 50-yard run, and scoring plays of 27 and 69 yards. Hard to stop a team when the defense is giving up gash plays like that.

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This kind of loss obviously creates tons of questions and throws the remainder of the season in doubt. After the 68–50 loss to Georgia Tech in 2012, the Tar Heels rebounded to win their remaining two games and would have clinched the Coastal Division title but for NCAA penalties from the Butch Davis era. In 2014, the loss at ECU dropped UNC to 2–1 and began a four-game losing streak before Carolina recovered to make a bowl game. Will UNC bounce back for their conference opener at Duke next weekend, or will this begin a spiral that closes the book on Mack Brown 2.0? Fans knew this would be a transitional season and, fortunately, had a schedule that was friendly for a team in the middle of a rebuild, but that was before anyone knew the defense might be a dumpster fire. Brown took the responsibility on himself for the poor result, but at some point this season, there needs to be movement forward, especially on defense.

Doc Kennedy is an alum, longtime UNC fan, and former high school and college basketball coach who wrote this report for years on Tar Heel Blog.

Photo courtesy of UNC Athletics